Thoughts: It’s everyone’s fault

Hello. Glad to be back after my long hiatus. It’s been a long time away and I hope everyone of you have been keeping well.

 

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”

~ Wayne Dyer

 

 

I might have written about something like this before. But the story today is kind of new, so if the title strikes a chord, then you might want to read & ask yourself if you are in the same boat.

Been working for almost 11 years since graduation and in this time, I have served for nine companies, fifteen bosses and thirteen roles during the entire time. The longest I’ve lasted with a boss was two and a half years and the shortest was eight months. I can talk about my career for the millionth time, but today’s story isn’t about me.

Today, it’s about an old friend of mine, someone whom I’ve known since my first year in university. So this is a friend who had privy to my career and vice versa, so it’s someone who’s keenly aware of my dubious record of being a serial job-hopper (as how society fondly terms my career pattern).

What do you do when you work with a superior whom you are facing a lot of problems with? The thing is, there’s no straight answer because at the end of the day, it’s a matter of perspectives on where you stand and where you want to head next.

But let’s start off by looking a little more at the situation. Boss promised a lot of career paths, which ended up in empty promises, which were conveniently shrugged off with little care or even effort to make up for the opportunity loss. There’s a serious perception that the boss is less fond of my friend, where unfair treatment, lack of recognition and severe deficiency in mutual respect handed to a highly ambitious, driven and direct talent that craves only for fair treatment, professional conduct and commitment to best output.

To be very fair, I would not have lasted very long with such bosses because for me, promises that were not met, treating me like dirt and extremely unfair politics drive me straight for the exit and I would not have lasted so long as my friend. Yeah, I see my time as precious and I don’t wait for another second if I feel I cannot entrust my aspirations and achievement with morons who can’t respect, appreciate or give two hoots about how good I am. Just like my friend, I have a big sense of pride and self-worth.

Here’s where debate may come in. People like to say that because I am good, I can easily find a job if I quit. People also say I have the money and others are less flexible to make jumps because they have a deeper and longer threshold to overcome. Well, that’s not really the truth because I did suffer for the weeks in interim where I was jobless, but perhaps that’s not really the point.

Trust me, I do get hurt very bad when I joined organizations where the bosses turned their backs on me & reneged on the promises of career & development that so richly enticed me. Believe it or not, many of my recent moves didn’t enrich me as much as it would have for others, and for this fact, no one had more to lose than me because I had lost time, I had lost groundwork I previously built to start from scratch all over again.  I am a human, and change is sometimes hard to swallow; I have to lose the comfort zone I had recently built up, I had to make new friends all over again, and I had to acquaint myself with the nuances of a new superior right from scratch, basically building my credibility all over again.

So, when people talk to me about the fear of moving and at the same time, brewing negatively from the disappointment that’s driving them to the brink of an emotional earthquake, I would like to say, I probably can come quite close to understanding where they stand. You feel you can’t step backward because you either cannot go back anymore or you cannot get the best of what you have right now in your previous place. And you also find it hard to move forward because you are afraid of losing your benefits or just simply, not ready to trust a new boss after being let down.

Two possibilities usually arise. One, you take an extremely focused, objective and professional view from a cold hard angle. It’s a very realistic point of view, with crisp clear analysis of the game at hand, the high stakes and the possible gains. I am least worried about these people because my role here usually is to help verify the odds and dangerous possibilities. Let’s put this scenario aside.

More concerned about the second one, which is to be much less focused on the problem, not objective and getting personal. The clearest sign that a person is at this point comes from five toxic words …

“It is not my fault”

Or it’s close twin that screams out … “It is everybody’s fault”

Ouch. If you are the sensitive reader, you probably wanna punch my face outright, so thankfully, you aren’t next to me.

Here’s more about you …

You probably blame all of your problems on your boss. Possibly you hate your organization for putting that moron of a person as your incompetent boss. You probably blame your objectives friends for being less supportive, when they give you some cold showers of reality. You also probably hate your colleagues who share significantly better relationships with your maligned superior and award them with blood-sucking sycophantic titles. You might even hate potential suitors who failed to give you your dream job with a super fantastic pay, no-brainer job and to-die-for bosses.

If you have one to three of the above at moderate extremes, then you are ok. If you have more than that at a high octane negativity, then raise the red alert. If you have all of them you probably need help right now.

At some point, you need to realize, that as shitty as your situation appears to be, you have to shoulder some of the responsibility for the situation. And as much as you think you don’t have options, you can’t be dead wrong because the options you failed to see are the options that your ego, pride and emotions have blinded you from seeing.

If you don’t have a good relationship with your boss, you are part of the problem because relationship is a two way thingy. There’ll never be good relationships if both sides aren’t willing to budge and make concessions.

If the organization or boss is unfair, and you fail to change it, the other power in your hand is to change jobs. I’ve taken several steps back at a few points of my career in order to break the deadlock and to open space to move forward. Again, if I do not make concession from my end, then I probably will continue to earn what I have right now, but I have closed the door to learn and earn more  in the longer run at another place that is fairer, appreciates me more and open more doors for me.

Yes, no one likes to run into a shitty role and shitty boss or company. But that’s the cold shower life occasionally throws at us. It’s either we whimper, curl into a corner and cry, OR we take heart from the wake up call and take on the world with a refreshed spirit.

Is it still everyone’s fault? Your call.

Thoughts: Humbly Forgotten

“Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.”

~ Alexander Smith

 

 

This is a classic case when we work for others; I’m sure you’d have heard or seen cases of people who would go about quietly to get their work done on time, with sufficient quality, but when the time came for recognition and rewards, we would quietly be forgotten.

 

Reasons may include we fell off the radar when we don’t trumpet our work, or bosses conveniently take for granted that the quiet ones will equally stay quiet when being ignored, or simply, the brown-nosing species bask on the entire stage to parade their less than spectacular achievements. Or probably a combination of all the above.

 

I’ve come across quite many in my walk of life so far, and most of them are humble people who just mind their own business, much less ambitious than the others or simply just wish to shut up and let their work speak for itself. Some like to think that SOMEONE will recognise their contribution one day. ONE DAY la!!!

 

The more religious ones wish to believe that god is equal, and one day, their coming will land on their footsteps and are happy to wait until that time. The less confident mousey types often hesitate in the fear of losing more than they can possibly gain, so they hole up in their house-holes and contently chew on the measly bread they can scrounge up.

 

And since this motley crew of misfits end up in a corner, they are by virtue humbly forgotten by powers that be.

 

The less ambitious ones will happily continue to roll the wheel they use everyday, but the real quandary lies with the ones with higher aspirations … you can be ignored for a few seasons, but frustration mounts with every succeeding indignation.

 

Well … because to be forgotten, it’s a two way street, so it’s not just the former, but we should look at the boss too. People never complain about good bosses do they? Unless they misunderstand or appreciated les of their benefactors, but that’s another subject for another time, ok?

 

So a bone that also lies in contention is also the question of the boss. Sure, we all at some point (unless you’ve been darn lucky all your life), to have some boss with favourites, and so happened you aren’t one of them. Or if you are, and have the empathy against those who aren’t you can still relate to what I’m thinking of …

 

Yes, they have favourites. Bosses are human anyway, so some fall easier to those who shower them with sugary attention or wax their bald egos to a shine that flashes light right back to the sun. The ironic truth is, the quiet ones who get their job done well are often in perilous danger of being sidelined.

 

And of course, there are bosses who have certain preferences, and they simply hook up better with those who are in their similar line of thinking or doing, so even the ones who deliver, may never work up to the boss’ liking, unless of course the boss steps up on the ivory tower of leadership and take an escalated view of just leadership. So if you are a boss, and read this, do grab this opportunity to reflect on your collective actions. Invest time to get a 360° of your conduct from others, and seek it with sincerity … back it with good intentions and protect those who valiantly speak up for the good of all and for your improvement. Put aside all the sugary stuff the bootlickers have gladly taken out of their arsenal. It’s time to look out for the gems of wisdom from the people who matter.

 

And do not forget to consider those whom you’ve forgotten all this time. There’s no better time than now to recognise them, because for all you may not be aware of, between doing this tomorrow and now may bear significant impact to retain and engage your top contributors. Think about it!

 

 

Now, let me shift towards those misaligned souls. To some extent, you can do more to showcase your contribution …. and yet, let’s keep this to a level you are comfortable and aligned to your values. I’m completely aware that some of you would rather shelter under the cover you’d conveniently built around you than to step out, but we must be fair to your boss, for at times, the responsibilities they hold may be too heavy to put a hand out for you. even sending a mail to them just to inform them that you’ve completed a major project ahead of time is critical, don’t just see it as self-promotion, but it’s also to showcase the achievement of your team ad give due recognition to them as well. Remember … recognition is a two-way dynamic!!!

 

And keep a list of the good stuff you’ve done. Keep it somewhere convenient to draw out, and come the time for performance review, your prizes have been brushed up and shined for a gleaming display.

 

So play your part, and if you are an employee, help your boss play their parts better. And if you are the boss, take a moment to consider who are your true top contributors, don’t be fooled by the empty trumpeters!! And give the due acknowledgement!!!

Thoughts: Espousing Greatness

“There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one’s maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity.”

~Buck Rodgers

If I look back at the last two years of my work, I would say that studying, capturing and documenting leadership competencies would be a main constant and this specific line of work has brought me closer to appreciate leadership.

While people like to debate if great leaders are born or made … we can put that aside for now.

Because of my work that brings me close to leaders and studying individuals in details, people often like to ask me about leadership; mainly what separates the great from good leaders.

Leadership competencies basically mean, we have a list of behavioural indicators that good leaders will have, and when we look at the degree and level they display these competencies, then we can arrive at a scientific scale of how competent a person’s leadership is.

If I still don’t make sense to you, then we go a little back to how big organisations build their leadership competency models … it usually starts from the top, where they wish to build a competent workforce, and how we can do that is to study the top performers of the organisation; we bring the cream de la crème from various and diversified functions and put them on the same table. Since we cannot compare a top finance dude with the IT geek or the roving salesperson or the peacock PR in terms of their specialised skills, we don’t even try … and we jump straight to the leadership skills they all have.

We study what makes them good, whether as individuals or as a focus group, trying to shortlist the common behaviours, then we synthesize them into competencies. With competencies identified, we can then cascade it to behaviour by different ranks and the competency level.

Ok, enough about that. since you have a basic understanding, we can talk about what separates the good from great, ok? Assuming we go by the scale of 1 to 5 where 5 denotes great, 4 is good and 3 is average … we shall now look at what separates the 3 to 4 to 5, ok?

For example, let’s say an organisation has the following competencies …

• Driving Change
• Visionary Leadership
• Acting Sustainably
• Developing Talent

Let’s take developing talent,  first, ok? A Level 3 would mean that the person would be able to demonstrate the basic behaviours of developing talent, which may include taking an interest in individual growth, learning and taking steps to coach others.

A Level 4 would then mean something more advanced, like putting in place processes or systems that allow the organisation to have a more streamlined and sustainable way to develop talent. That’s something rare & we’d probably see that in probably 10-30% of the top people in organisations.

The most rare I’ve seen so far would be Level 5 leadership because from the 300 talents I’ve worked with so far, I’ve only encountered one in person. So what does a Level 5 leader have? When we study the behaviour of the leader, of course he has what the Level 4 characteristics … and moving beyond that, he does it with a long term view, puts in place systems and links this competency with others. He’s the leader who is not just the talent development person, but he also thinks with the visionary cap, puts in place sustainable systems to support a lasting long term goal, then understands the dynamics of managing the change of system in the organisation and the key ingredients to make all different focuses gel into organisation growth and profitability.

The leader is able to think at Level 5 across several competencies, which consistently supports the breadth and level he thinks and acts for the organisation. It means that for other projects and areas of work, he is able to project the same scope and high level view for each strategy he embarks on. He does not see the competencies as separate entities, but all part of an ecosystem for success and for organisations to pitch itself against the best, it must deploy integrated strategies that helps the organisation leap across the chasm of achievement.

Ok, now we can dwell a little on that bit of leadership; if it’s born or made?

For me, as a competency person, I would like to think that yes, leadership competencies can be developed and improved with each individual. And yet, having said that … there’s a few extra ingredients which I feel is a must and without that, we can’t have great leaders.

One, there must be a will to strive for betterment and improvement of self, the people around oneself and the organisation we serve. All the Level 4 and Level 5 leaders that I’ve met have this trait, it’s called DRIVE

There’s a HIGHER PURPOSE than self and that may be for humankind or even for the organisation. All actions are concentrated towards something the person feels as above himself, and acts to be ethical and consistent with the values and vision of the organisation. The Level 5 leader weathers all storms keeping in view of the higher purpose that calls for his duty and he faithfully responds to it.

HUMILITY. Several Level 4 and all Level 5 leaders are humble servants to god; they strive for the best they can, yet, they place their actions in line with what their beliefs preach and remind themselves as humble servants of god. They know their time in this life is limited, and they do their best with the time they borrowed from god to leave a positive legacy to others.

So yes, if you wish to be a Level 5 leader, you can attain the competencies, but at the same time, you need to plant the seeds that make Level 5 leadership work. The seeds are the three qualities I’ve shared with you above.

Thoughts: Broken Compass

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.”

~ Saint Augustine

 

 

One fine day, a person may just wake up & realise that who he was all this time, brings no significant meaning anymore. All that he thought was important, all he strove to achieve, people whom he thought of as important … will all cease and then in all unexpected circumstances … this person’s mind may become akin to an oasis in the middle of a barren desert.

 

Then when this person looks around in all angles, all that’s to be seen are horizons of sand dunes … stretching as far as his eyes can sweep. The message simply says … the next destination is uncertain and a compass showing directions is a broken tool.

 

I’ve played this analogy countless times to people and the usual response is that … this may happen to someone else, BUT NOT ME. Then I’d get a message sometime down the line, reaching me via e-mail, messenger or if desperate, a call, telling me that they’ve woken up in that oasis.

 

When I meet them, the fleeting expectation is always that they think I’ve the answer; I’m the shaman who interpreted the impending storm, and therefore I should also read their lines of destiny. Unfortunately, if I indeed have that gift, I would have foremost used it to shower wealth upon my fortune, but the irony is, I’m not materialistically well off and neither have I started my shower of money.

 

Then again, what I can do is to fix that broken compass a little. A little.

 

So let’s sweep aside whatever you thought was important because they aren’t anymore. Let’s house them all in a museum that you may be granted occasional access, but just for historical reference, and not as the manual to the Promised Land.

 

One of the most critical questions I love to ask is, what makes you motivated each day? What makes you feel rejuvenated everytime you do it? what task is the apple of your eye and the constant thought that crowns your mind whenever you step away from it?

 

The compass may be broken, but we can certainly try to find the needle again under the very sands that bury it. we need to find it again because we need to define a direction for us again. Sometimes, the answer is closer to us than we think. Sometimes, it was all around us, waiting for us to sweep the dust off it & voila, here it was all this time. Just like the stars in the sky that easily substitute the lost pieces of the compass.

 

There’s this guy who used to revel in taking people around during his free time. It was the ultimate escape from a dreary job that he sprints away from at the end of each day and celebrates at the door of each weekend. Then when the guy’s company got acquired and lost his job, so at that point, he thought his carefully balanced world had fallen apart.

 

So, while looking around for the next job that allowed him the balance he once had, he freelanced more often to take others around in his free time. Then … the jobs came more often until a time when he can live a life off it. Then it dawned upon him that a new life had been built around his newfound direction in life.

 

He was looking for his compass all this time, and didn’t realise he had found it sometime ago.

 

Ever heard of the accidental teacher? Watch Mr Holland’s Opus …  a great story of an accidental teacher who chances upon his trip of a lifetime when he signed up to be a music teacher. As the ending of his career was summed up in a way that said …

 

Mr Holland aspired to be a composer and that his work would make him famous. But at the end, he wasn’t a composer and he was also not famous. So, it would be easy to think of his life as a failure. But if you were to think so, then you’d be wrong because when you look around the maximum capacity of the hall, there’s not a life in the room that he had not touched. And each one is a better person for meeting him or for being his student. They are his symphony. These people are the notes and melodies of his opus. And this is the music of his life.

 

Well, I’m not asking you to be a teacher or to be a tourist guide. Heck, who am I to tell you what to do next with your life?

 

But what I can share with you is … things in life happen for a reason. For whatever reason that may be, only god knows of the master plan. For whatever plan that has been laid, we should keep the hope and look out for the best opportunity, for we’ll never know what destiny lies beneath the sands below our potential, or what future lies in the horizon.

 

We should reach for the stars, and even if we fail, lest we land on the coconut tree in our oasis

Thoughts: Misunderstood or Misunderstand?

“Courage is not limited to the battlefield or the Indianapolis 500 or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like remaining faithful when nobody’s looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty, like standing alone when you’re misunderstood.”

~ Charles Swindoll

 

 

 

Perhaps one of the most frustrating feelings a person can ever have is to be misunderstood, especially when the intentions are all good, only to be let down by poor outcomes or for things to go so wrong at the end of the day.

 

People hate it when their friends misread into a slip of tongue or when they have no chance to put right a wrong perspective. Employees hate it when they tried their best, only that things didn’t work out the way they planned, perhaps something came through when it wasn’t foreseen or they were outplayed by politics of the day. We all hate it when we try to do something that tries to make our family members happy, only for them to think of the worst possible motives behind our actions or for them to stamp their view and brush aside whatever we had tried to put right.

 

As imperfect as god has created each of us to be, that’s the way the world is, so you might want to earn some respite that you feel you thoroughly deserve, especially for all the negative rollercoaster you have sat many times over?

 

Ok, granted you get that … in fact, I’m giving you that many times over. If you still feel you have been grossly mistreated, please do not read on further and instead, go back and read the first three paragraphs I’ve written. Continue to do so until you feel you are over it and have some certain readiness to move on.

 

Ok. This part is for those who think that they are ready to move forward. And while today I’m not going to go into moving forward from disappointments (you can read my earlier postings), I’m offering you something to help you see from a larger perspective. Perhaps try to consider some missing aspects to the scenario.

 

After we strip negativity asunder, we can probably try to decipher what people have tried to do or to respond to us. I remember someone once telling me that the best friend didn’t talk for two weeks after a serious misunderstanding (ok, the someone did something wrong, which he didn’t think was wrong), and felt frustrated because the intention behind the screw up was good.

 

With serious noting of responses, both physical and verbal as well as post incident reaction, I offered some alternative perspectives … for example, the friends may have lashed out as it would have been the typical reaction. This friend may has confronted the issue directly for this was the normal reaction, but it didn’t happen. Nope, this friend only looked away and walked off. Could there be a possibility this friend was putting aside knee jerk reactions for some time-off? Something to think about, isn’t it?

 

Ok, scenario two … Ms A had a project that bombed halfway due to hindsight, and when the boss called for her to meet in the evening, she halted in dead hesitation. I’m gonna get massacred, not going to live to see the next sunrise. She goes around the office, trying to galvanise support, to put up a case that she had tried her best and prepared a defensive stand.

 

By the time the meeting arrived, the boss postponed it to the next morning. Deliriously frustrated, Ms A then called a plethora of friends trying to stay sane until the next morning. Tells me that the boss wanted to fire her like he did to the other staff. Anxious that she’ll be humiliated the next morning in front of the morning crowd and that the boss wanted to make her more nervous by making her wait another night. Felt she was about to be the next victim of knee jerk reaction by this volatile boss.

 

So I thought for a while, then I asked some curious questions. What kind of staff were fired? What were the reasons for firing? Has this boss ever fired people in public? Has this boss been fair in judgement? Has this boss been objective about handling issues? Is this boss an accountable person or the type that shifts blame?

 

Coming to the family case. So I have this friend who promised something to a family member. Then something changed, and like all problems, we have to adapt & find the most plausible approach. This friend tried to find a solution that he thought was most appropriate and relayed it over to the loved one.

 

Got rejected outright. Throw in a tantrum into the ring too. A cold war ensued the arena for a couple of weeks. My frustrated friend asked me for advice, but you know me la … I’m better at asking questions than to give solutions … or if you may, solutions are usually found in my clients, I only facilitate them …

 

Ok, so what’s the problem, what did you do? Why did you do that? have you considered other angles? What would your relative think? What would you relative have preferred? Why didn’t you do that? is there possibility to consult your family member to come up with a solution together? Then why not? How can we fix this? What’s more important, your ties or your pride?

 

 

 

By this point, I’ve only shared stories with you. And lots of questions.  I probably cannot share with you details like names or more specific detail of the cases. But I can definitely share the outcomes …

 

For the friend case, my questions of course led to more direct thoughts like getting the friend to take ownership of the mistakes made and then taking the next step to make amends. The good thing is, if your friend is truly one, you’ll be forgiven for the wrongs you did. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

 

For the employee friend, the case ended much better than expected, in fact there was a totally different outcome with very objective minds taking the case, so I didn’t help much. And as for the family member thingy, I think there’s the element of old history and there are a lot more skeletons behind the closet, so I left some considerations to fix them over some period of time.

 

And yeah, before I forget, let me share some moral of the stories … I would like to think that when we feel grossly misunderstood, there is also the possibility of us misunderstanding others too. Of course to reach the level of trying to understand others, we need to take a more calm and objective approach … so it’s best to soothe ourselves first, then try to take a more open and positive mind towards the whole situation.

 

Of course, it’s always easier to react negatively. But then again, it’s always better to make the effort and reach out for the positive outcome. Always.

Thoughts: Seeking Auspicious

It’s not who I am, but what I do that defines me

~ Bruce Wayne, Batman Begins

 

 

I’m not the type of person who enforces my beliefs or values, so I won’t even try in today’s post. Yet, what I can offer can still be powerful in some sense and I aim to use the power vested in me to share my values with those of you who have at some degree; a little echo of the little part of my values in you.

 

If you take a quick flashback at the festive commercials on TV, try to think of how they were back decade ago or even 15 years ago? I think back at the time of my primary school, the prevalent style was the comedy type where they parody those stuck in jams, or trying to get something done in preparation for the celebration.

 

Then back around 10 years ago, the type I saw more often were the musical type, so come Hari Raya, there’ll be a plethora of celebrities who join hands to sing some song just crafted for the season and ditto for CNY. I really liked some of those songs even though I cannot remember them.

 

Then a shift came like 3-5 years ago when a commercial that pre-dates back to poignant times of Merdeka … recapturing lost memories of yesteryears … and more importantly, crafted in a fond way that tugs at the strings of your heart so much that even the less patriotic part of me responded with a Merdeka meekly. That’s a Yasmin Ahmad legacy that lives today when I saw the recent CNY commercial by Petronas.

 

We have in this commercial, a few older people who are not asking for a lot, in fact for very simple and fundamental things, like hoping not to be a burden to their families, hoping that their families will see them more often and who can say that these are things too much to ask for?

 

When I was younger, I really couldn’t stand CNY, very much for the fact that we had to be stuck in the car for hours, going into a destination that we’d be stuck for a week, living with gatal old uncles, naggy aunts, irritating cousins and living ala refugee camp. There were times I wished the week to be gone, sometimes just hoping that I could be back in the comforts of home.

 

When I spent my first CNY away from Malaysia, then I had the feeling of missing the comforts of being home, to live without the things I had taken for granted since I had them every CNY, be it, the dried meats or dishes or my favourite biscuits and cookies.

 

Now, as I moved out to my own home … CNY has dawned with a new meaning for me. What exactly does it mean now? Well, the good point is, I don’t have to drive 300km to my parents’ place, then another 600km in the other direction is my wife’s. It’s thankfully 10% (or less) of that …

 

And the best part is to enjoy KL free of the humans who work here, but desert the city en masse back to their hometowns. Well, it’s a good thing, to have people go home.

 

But I’m not talking about them going home; I’m picking more on the spirit of CNY for young people like me, trying to find a living or to make one.

 

It’s a challenging motion already to make a career, and as far as I know, work in most companies has never improved in terms of workload. Perhaps the work place is getting better with better facilities and perks, but as far as I know, work is taking a more intrusive toll into people’s lives. More people are taking work home and some, home to work, but in the midst of all that, the truth is that work has crept into our lives.

 

While some of my friends have the CNY spirit of cheer and auspiciousness, many more are just treating CNY as a passing motion. Yes, another year … another CNY, with another long drive home, the usual reunion make-do, then the chatter, then we’re off back to work again. It’s gonna be months or a year before some of them see their relatives again. And as years pass, I realised that traffic is increasingly unbearable in the last week running to the celebration. Be it CNY or Hari Raya, the roads leading to malls have choked the patience out of me and it’s not getting better.

 

Yet, I see it as a malignant sign of something deeper, it validates my earlier hypothesis of people getting more absorbed into work. And last minute shopping is a telling sign of people too stuck with work until they have no time for CNY related shopping. Don’t believe me? Ask the retailers, they know the trend all too well. For last week, running to Friday, every day’s traffic home was crazier than usual, then the whole place dwindled quickly to a meek weekend traffic. CNY has indeed come to KL.

 

Well, if you are one of these people I’ve been talking about, we cannot change the past, can we? But let’s focus on something we can do, ok? At least, that’s what I believe these commercials are trying to help us realise.

 

So, while you take this break, and if you happen to chance upon my rambling thoughts, ask yourself some questions …

 

Have you been good to yourself?

Have you been good to your family?

If not, then why?

How can things be bettered?

Can we make small, yet meaningful changes?

Can we make changes that make a difference?

 

Happy Auspicious CNY to all of you!

Thoughts: The one thing we should know!

“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”

~ Doug Larson

 

 

This is actually a title of a book by Marcus Buckingham, the champion of positive psychology.

 

So, while trawling through jams on the way home, I had this book with me & took the chance to remind myself of the lessons Marcus is trying to share with us. And a chance moment of transition and a stray lappie gave me a chance to pen my thoughts …

 

In this book, the earliest chapter details the study of happy marriages, and what drive them. It has nothing to do with how many years you were married, how many times you were married, your background, ethnicity or your age.

 

Intriguingly, the secret of lasting and happy marriages is this … the couple always looked at the other spouse in the best light. It means, they peel apart the actions and look deeper at the intentions and the faith that the partner is doing the thing with the best of interest.

 

What a simple, and yet, critical insight!! Of course, to do so, there must be a certain level of trust, but come to think of it, if they can last so long, they surely must trust one another right?

 

Which brings an interesting thought for each of us … what is the one thing we should know about relationships we share with others?

 

In moments of hurt, anger, despair or any form of negativity, it’s easy to turn towards the tidal wave of emotions and hitch a ride on it. Then of course, comes the inevitable barrage that comes along with the tsunami & we may end up saying & doing things we often come to regret. A familiar sight for many of us who’ve fallen wayside …

 

So, I was feeling highly negative about someone quite recently, and while the urge to thrust out screaming for justice and payback, this simmering reminder flagged me hard at my hurricane. Hold on, it said. Dive a little deeper.

 

And so I did. In the midst of the emotional storm that beset me, I dived deep within and found this rock at the bottom of it. The rock is the foundation; it’s the things that this person has done for me, it’s the good things that remind me; this person is probably in the storm as well and at the end of the day, this person has always been consistently good to me.

 

This is what Marcus highlights in his book. And it’s interesting to consider what it means to many of us …

 

It’s easy to dump friends in the cusp of simmering anger. I’ve seen others resign at the fever heights of disagreement with their bosses. People have thrown away marriages on the whim of an argument.

 

Yeah, it’s probably easier to look at the negative stuff and get swept away. And yet, if we are to build lasting & meaningful relationships with people, we need to look at the good side of the other person. Remind ourselves of the good intentions they have consistently shown and build on them. Surely we can make the world a better place to live in.

Thoughts: Making Great Workplaces

“Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases: 1- It’s completely impossible. 2- It’s possible, but it’s not worth doing. 3- I said it was a good idea all along.”

~ Arthur C. Clarke 

 

I started thinking how much I missed AIESEC life several days ago. Initially, I started thinking how great it is to be still young, going to conferences, meeting like-minded peers and leaders … then the crazy energy of working and playing hard. Waking up each day to do something I was passionate to do, perhaps with some physical strain, but love it anyways!!!

 

Then I thought a little about people who are around my life, people whom I used to share an AIESEC past. Yeah, we still have some of that crazy spirit buried somewhere inside us & that probably gets to come out once in a while when we get the engine started & to be crazy all over again. But as the years go by, it has become more usual to hear about why life isn’t so great and why work isn’t so fun anymore.

 

Of course life gets more complex as an adult, so there can be many sources of discontent. Then again, I like to think workplace plays a significant influence because we tend to spend most of our adult lifespan in work than anywhere else.

 

Having a great workplace is an important ingredient to make daily life positive. When was the last time you heard someone share that they have an absolutely fantastic workplace? Perhaps in 3 out of 100 people I know who have said that. Some others don’t see theirs as great and the rest think their place suck.

 

We as humans aren’t perfect, so it’s quite often we bring the problems of work home. We have a sucky day, and we offload it at home. We feel depressed, we feel negative or some other kind of negative emotion. Seriously, life can be better if we come home with positive energy, right?

 

Ok, at this point, you will give me an incredulous look and ask me, are you crazy or plain stupid? Do I look like I have influence over my idiotic boss? Or my bitchy colleagues? Or the gloomy and plainly boring box that I’ve been assigned to?

 

Honestly, there’s some element of truth in what you think. Sure, we cannot make others act the way we want. That’s an absolute spot on truth. Yet, I want to reaffirm one of my favourite questions … you cannot change the way people choose to act, yet do you have a choice on how you wish to react towards them?

 

If people are nasty to you, do you have to accept it? Like someone reciprocating your friendly morning wish with stinging sarcasm or with a freezing sour face that makes your hot cuppa an iced-lemon tea? Or perhaps you losing your positive momentum to a degrading comment you boss stamps like a bitch-slap on your work after painstaking effort?

 

I’ve heard it so many times, people just easily forget the good things they have after being slapped an emotional summons. They call me after enjoying a great run in their week, which will have even the Premier League leaders envious just because they have a hiccup at the tail-end. They groan that their world is crashing, people hate them and they are helplessly sinking in their Titanic. But heck, after we talk through stuff, I am sure that 70% of them recover their esteem and the perspective quickly reverses with a high. Life’s great after all! We have good friends, we have good achievements and we have even greater lessons from the week. The most important is that we’ve come through it all and alive to face a better tomorrow!

 

And what about the 30%? Well, their issues are a little more endemic and entrenched a little deeper than the rest, but that’s what we are here to continue talking about … how can we make our workplace better?

 

Change the way we see the world around us and the world will change the way it sees us; there’s universal truth in it because whether we accept things or not, the world keeps moving on, even if we choose not to go along with the flow. Once we accept things we have no control over and empower things that we can steer, then we will focus on the right things and gracefully manoeuvre solutions around challenges in our way.

 

Remind ourselves – we have a choice to sit down and cry OR to hover above the challenge and take a helicopter view on the whole chapter, and making the choice to see it as an opportunity is the catalyst towards positive resolutions.

 

Spark the positive energy – pay it forward; too often in life we wait for the solution zooming in with shining armour, but how often do we miss out on starting the ball rolling? How often you are pleasantly surprised when someone pleasantly surprises you with something nice like buying your breakfast in the morning or making you a nice dessert? Wouldn’t the workplace be greater if everyone does a bit of goodness each day? There’d be a lot of positive energy sowed within your office, wouldn’t it?

 

Keep good things on continuous momentum – like mentioned earlier, when we have something good going on, keep adding more good stuff to it and build it to become a force that continues to drive your team. It works better than cold towels that dampen spirits and crash the momentum into a grinding halt. I know I am unconsciously the cold towel character, and after mindful adjustments, I am starting to see the inverse effects of changing my instincts, people respond better and there’s much more to gain.

 

Keep in perspective – “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” by Reinhold Niebuhr. Yes, we change the way we see the world first, then we need to keep reminding ourselves and continue planting the courage to change the things we can and pray for the wisdom to take on challenges we face and to sagely differentiate between them. Keep the eye on our capabilities, work for the best and take heart from the results we reap.



Thoughts: Tragedy or Cowardly or Foolishly?

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon-instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.”

~  Dale Carnegie

 

 

Whatever I think or say now is already academic; then again my hope is that it will not be for those who read it now. Last night, my wife told me about something she saw in the newspaper yesterday about a 22 year old guy who committed suicide after breaking up with some girl after 4 months dating. He jumped off his block & prior to that, he informed the world of his 45 minutes countdown leading to his premature demise.

 

22 years old. That’s the same age as my youngest brother in-law. Truly at the cusp of life with the world ahead of him. he could have been anything. He’s not bad looking (albeit a bit of a wussy look, but that’s besides the point), so I can’t understand this low ebb of self esteem.

 

That’s some thing I fail to grasp about … post-break-up suicides. So many things I’ve read and heard about …

 

… I love you to death and I’ll prove it to you …

… if I can’t have you, then I’ll be in your memory forever with my death to haunt you…

… life’s not worth living without you …

 

 

I think when most people cannot handle problems; they somehow think the world revolves around them. Some people want the whole world to stop and look at them when things go wrong. And if they don’t get the attention and sympathy they want, then they’ll do whatever it takes to get it. That’s quite a juvenile & faithless thinking. I think faith is one bridge that helps bind a person to the fact that we are all very small as opposed to god in this world. Why make a big deal of challenges we face? There are many people living impoverished all around the world who would anytime swap places with you. Your life’s really great if you invested a moment to revel in the glory you bask in, instead of hiding behind the gloomy cast of despair and shame.

 

We’re blessed with the wealth to live, to be educated, to have proper home & many things other do not have. Same with this kid who committed suicide; of course in his current world, it sucks, but seriously in the bigger picture, everyone has their own set of problems and we all deal with them. If you believe in god and that you are blessed, then you have courage to face life even being spurned by some insignificant girl (which you could have seen one day into the future, which is academic right now)

 

You want to throw away all the blessings you have just cause of some puppy love and someone who don’t love you as much as you do? Perhaps I do not share your level of grief. Perhaps I never knew how to love someone so much until I throw away everything else I have including my life. Perhaps the purpose of this guy’s short life is to be a message and reminder to others. Perhaps. And a thousand possibilities that go unanswered. But one thing is for sure, this irresponsible act will have traumatic consequences for all involved, including the boy’s innocent family who has been robbed of a son & brother.

 

My wife is troubled to see that the younger upstarts take life so lightly. And i think she’s right … is life so worthless? Do you think the only person who used to love you is this girl? Do you realise what grief this cowardly act of throwing away your life will bring to people who truly care & love you? Do you know they will live their lives with questions of what they have not done extra to save you? Do you revel in that consequence? Do you naively think your death is simply directed to only the girl you thought you loved?

 

If you love someone so much, then why is it so hard to let them go? Love is about sacrifice; so what’s more important … for them to be happy or for them to be sad? What’s the point of loving someone but you make them unhappy to be with you? You say you love someone, but you are doing something intended to haunt her for the rest of her life, and that’s to make her unhappy. Is that love? No, that’s greed, that’s  lot of selfish undertones. If you cannot have her, then no one else can have her.

 

Come on. Love is selfless, it is faithful and it is about sacrifice. If you truly loved her, then you would do whatever it takes for her to attain happiness, not blanket her with eternal grief. And love is non-binding, it’s free to come & go. If someone loves you, they will love you regardless of condition. And it’s unconditional, just because someone doesn’t love you anymore does not mean everyone else doesn’t love you anymore …

 

One thing about us fellow human beings, when we should take things more lightly, we take them with extreme seriousness. And when we should take things seriously, we take it lightly. In this case, puppy love was given the unduly serious overvaluation and the blessing of life has been taken too lightly.

 

Perhaps god’s purpose for this guy is to be lesson to others. If this was indeed god’s plan, then we’d better take heed of this sobering reminder about life, love and the courage to face challenges in the right light.

Thoughts: Reciprocating Kindness

“Our attitude toward life determines life’s attitude towards us.”~ John N. Mitchell

 

 

People say love does not require people or the relationship to be perfect, but then again, it doesn’t mean we should not strive to be.

 

For sure every relationship, there’ll be one side more willing to give in & to always go a little more. And it’s not a gender thingy, I’ve seen both sides of gender make concessions. But I think at some point, it means a lot if you reciprocate, especially if your partner has gone the extra mile over the recent times.

 

And it may not need to be returning the thought in the same facet of deed … and it’s more important to do so in areas deemed important by the relenting partner.

 

I know of a guy who is always giving in to his slightly spoilt partner who relentlessly craves for constant attention, for lots of TLC and showers of gifts from time to time. And while the guy gets the freedom to do what he wants, he usually goes alone without her following.

 

I know, he doesn’t really expect her to do anything in return.

 

And definitely, he’d rather her to do whatever she likes to do and if she doesn’t like to follow him to his outdoorsy escapades, that’s fair enough. But I think he would greatly appreciate if she makes an appearance once in a while. Not to say he needs her support or what, but I think her presence would mean that she wants to know about what he enjoys doing and she is at least aware of what he loves to do.

 

My wife more intraverted than me, and she’s the type who prefers to be at home watching her Canto series, snuggled into our comfortable bed and within the proximity of her luxuries around her. But she does get out of her comfort zone & join me occasionally to mamak sessions. It’s a great gesture to me because she makes the effort and I am openly appreciative of this … 

To build better relationships, I always remind myself to look around at the good things people do for me. For example, my ex-colleague Rosma will occasionally just buy in breakfast for the team. We didn’t ask for it and it’s a simple kindness of trying to brighten up the morning. But imagine this … if she’s the sole person doing this in the team, will she continue to do so without people giving back? You know the answer, don’t you?

 

This positive kindness can only sustain and grow when others chip in as well. This realisation goes hand in hand with attaining the appreciation of the good things people do for us.

 

As I learnt from the marriage preparation course, a relationship is like a bank account; if we always withdraw from it, then the account will be empty. We need to reciprocate and make deposits as well to keep the account healthy.

 

When people complain to me about their partner is this & that … I always like to listen and pick up signals of their account management. Then again, the fact that people start by complaining is a telling sign that it is highly possible the person can do more to appreciate than just complain.

 

Yeah, they tell me they unhappy about the partner’s habits, pissed about the partner did something stupid, the fella forgot this and that … and the list can go on. After some time, they will stop at some point. Then when I flash out my Cheshire Cat smile, they want to know what’s on my mind.

 

Usually … I’ll ask, what’s the last nice thing the partner did? Then I proceed to ask for the next one. Most of the time, people end up realising that actually … the partner has done quite a bit for them, only that they failed to notice that. And above it, they complained more than appreciating.

 

After that … I’ll ask, when was the last time they did something for the partner? Uh-oh! When was the last time they acknowledged the partner to appreciate the nice things? Double uh-oh!

 

This is the moment people squirm in mild embarrassment. Yes, we humans can be kind of unappreciative at times, right?

 

Yet, it’s more gain than loss, seriously!! The redeeming point is, you can always reverse the wheel now. Not tomorrow or after but NOW! It’s amazing that you can start off with just a simple appreciation. 

That’s a fresh start and it goes a long way!!